Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Hardest day of my life

That Sunday night I was having a hard time sleeping. When I had finally fell asleep I heard my cell phone ring in the kitchen but it wasn't set to a ringer of someone I knew.  Figured sales call. and ignored it. Awhile later my house phone rings. Its the middle of the night. About all I remember about that phone call was Dad's tool box fell on him the ambulance is one its way. Then having to get off the phone. I screamed and cried. I knew then in an instant that Dad was dead. I didn't need a confirmation. I knew. James quickly took Eli out of our room. He has been sleeping on the floor. I sat there in a stunned ball of a mess with one the house phone next to me and my cell phone next to me.
I remember being on the cell with Melissa and dropping the phone and throwing it at him as my house line rang. It was Felicia. I don't know how else to say this but Dad is dead. My next question was mom. How's mom? She had just been released from the hospital. The paramedics were with her in the house. she was having trouble breathing. Please come as fast you can. I can't do this by myself.
I got off the phone with Felicia and had to tell Melissa who was on the cell still waiting. As soon as I heard the truth from Felicia. I reached a subdued silence. There was no more crying. There was no more anything. Just this numb feeling of ..... still not sure how to explain that feeling.
I got ready. James helped me get the car seat out of the my car and made sure that I was ok enough to drive. I still not sure how I got there that night. I remember stopping at Daybreak when my cell rang. I pulled over so fast. Terrified it was Felicia calling to tell me they were taking Mom to the hospital too. Luckily she was just calling to see how much longer till I was there.
When I approached my parents house seeing the flashing lights, the cars, the police and investigator. I was pissed. I remember thinking so help me if they don't let me in the driveway.
The next few hours are still a blur in my mind. I do remember the silence after all the vehicles left. After Dad's body was taken. The quiet was terrifying. I remember my Mom breaking down. Her anger, Her sadness, Her moment of guilt.
Later I remember some one. Maybe mom even. Saying that some one had a plan out there with mom's heart surgery. Because her heart would not have been able to handle Dad dying had she not had the surgery.
I remember the next day standing at the kitchen sink I think I was doing the dishes. Anything to keep busy. Crying. Mom coming behind me and turning the water off asking if I was alright. Almost yelling no in her face. The strength my Mom showed in the those first few days I still can't understand. I remember my Daughter asking me why the other people at the house weren't crying. Weren't  they sad that Grandpa Dan was gone too?

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